December 2nd, 2019
U.S.—A fun new “Greta on the Shelf” doll will watch you every day and fly back to the UN each night to report your climate sins to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change.
The doll is equipped with eye sensors programmed to detect activities that are harmful to the environment.
“Greta sees you when you’re sleeping, she knows when you drive your SUV to the store instead of taking public transportation,” the manufacturer said. “She knows if you’ve been bad or carbon-neutral, so be carbon-neutral for goodness’ sake!”
One couple in Portland proudly displayed their new doll and lectured their children on the true meaning of Christmas: fighting climate change. “We’re gonna play a fun game for the holidays this year — try to be good little carbon-neutral children, or Greta will tell on you!”
“How dare you!” the doll chanted as the kids of the household left the door open while the heater was on. “You have stolen my dreams and my childhood.” The doll then blasted off toward UN headquarters using its jet engines to report on the naughty children, who will receive coal in their stocking. They will be snitched on again, however, if they burn the coal for warmth.
Greta is programmed to detect activities including these:
- Leaving the light on when you exit a room
- Leaving the fridge open
- Driving an SUV
- Parents participating in illicit activities that may lead to the creation of more humans
- Using a plastic straw instead of sticking your face in a beverage and slurping
- Forgetting your reusable grocery bags at home
- Getting a cut-down Christmas tree
- Getting a carbon-heavy plastic Christmas tree
- Turning on any electric appliances
- Using the heater instead of rubbing two sticks together for warmth
Children have responded enthusiastically to the doll so far, saying things like, “Mommy, I’m scared,” and “Make the bad girl go away.”