February 12th, 2021
BURBANK, CA—Disney is eager to fill their job vacancy after firing Gina Carano from the Mandalorian after she was outed as a kind, decent person as well as a mouthy female who speaks her mind too much. Determined not to make the same mistake again, Disney is being much more specific with their job descriptions.
“We need brave, strong, and independent role models that girls can look up to!” said Disney CEO Bob Chapek. “But she’s also gotta be extremely submissive, easily controlled, and totally subservient. We can’t afford to have another woman out here speaking her mind!”
“At Disney, we tell stories of hope, courage, and rebellion against all-powerful empires, but that nonsense is all for show,” he continued. “What we actually care about is women who will regurgitate all of our politically correct talking points and approved messages.”
“I’ll watch anything made by Disney. Who cares that they praise brutal communist regimes that imprison Uighurs and cancel conservative women— I just want more Baby Yoda!” said eager fan Adam Harrington. “In fact, the more mindless puppets the better!”
“She got what she deserved,” said one critic on Twitter. “What did she expect after using her platform to stand for what she believes in? What does she think this is? A Disney movie?!”
Disney has now updated their listing to look for a woman who’s fierce, but only when commanded, smart, but not smart enough to scare the men, and preferably strong, but not strong enough to beat up the whole studio.